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| I'm running through emails at work and I come across the reminder email for the singles group I've been going to on Thursday nights. It says this- COME TONIGHT AND MEET THAT GUY OR GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS. Is your jaw hanging lax? Mine was. The reminder was written by a pastor at the church. I called him and told him I've been attending Revolution, that we hadn't had a chance to meet and was wondering what was up with the email. He asked if I was offended. "Hardly. I've been and haven't gotten the hookup vibe and so I was wondering if it was a hook for the message." He explained that it was- but it really sounded like a stretch. I didn't say that to him. I did say I'd like to meet him and that I'd see him tonight. Afterwards, I couldn't help but wonder if I had been "that girl." Better yet, "that guy." The jerk. You know the one- he could be a visitor or a member. He freaks out when ties aren't worn Sunday morning or someone sits on a stool while they preach. Why did I feel it necessary to call him? Was it really that big of a deal? Was I forcing him to defend himself? Honestly, it felt really good to have the guts to call him and ask him what it meant. The question was one asked in love, inquiring the truth. Update- So I'm in the shower rushing around getting ready for church. While washing my hair I really start to think about what I said to this pastor. I start thinking that I was to forthcoming and that I should apologize. Massaging the scalp while washing hair must stimulate the firing of synapsis and trigger thoughtful contemplation. I get to church. I go in. I listen to the sermon and it has nothing to do with what the dude told me on the phone- NOTHING. Got that?? He out right lied to me about his stupid message instead of just admitting that he was trying to fill the cheap seats. After the gu finishes the message he does an altar call. Typical. I can live with it. I can ever bear the whole "with your heads bowed and eyes closed" deal. Well, apparently he gets no response so he starts working the altar call- WORKING IT. It was officially the longest altar call I've ever sat through. It must have been that no one prayed that fix-everything prayer because he starts in on, "If anyone felt like the Spirit was speaking to them tonight, would you just slip your hand up in the air and put it back down. Just slip it up and put it back down;" and I quote, "I just needed to hear what X had to say. If X spoke and you heard from God, just slip your hand up and put it back down." During the middle of all of this, the dude is snapping his fingers!!! I really struggled on reigning in my tongue when I introduced myself afterwards. I had to cover my nose and mouth the stench of pride was so thick. This guy is on top of the world and untouchable. If you are holding your breath, I didn't say anything. When he introduced me to a girl starting a small group that is studying The Purpose Driven Life, I knew enough. | | |
| It is around11.30pm and I missed dinner along time ago. I just got back from my litany of Wednesday night meetings. Before I go scrounge up a bowl of cereal I have to air a grievance (early Festivus). WHAT IS UP with college pastors that date their students? Am I being ridiculous here? Please tell me if I am. It seems so wrong to have college pastors dating the very college students that they are supposed to be ministering to. First you get to know them because you are out "being a college pastor" and then all of a sudden your interest shifts from serving this group of people to dating them??? What is that? I hear people saying things along these lines- "Well, they are both adults." One of my favorites is, "The pastor is single, who else is he supposed to date?" WHAT THE HECK!?!?!! How about someone their own age? Does it seem creepy to have a pastor dating someone ten years younger than them????? Now let me get really honest. Admittedly, I am referring to men dating their students but, this is the only way I have seen the scenario play out. And there is legitimate room to wonder if I am bent out of shape because I am a woman of a particular age (ha ha ha!) that is ranting about men dating women younger than them. I'd like to underscore I'm referring to significant age differences- not someone who is 25 dating a senior in college. It just seems wrong. As a person working in college ministry, it is wrong. As a woman who is older than most girls is college, it just seems wrong. I might even make an argument that men dating much younger women can be likened to the feelings that black women must feel when some bozo white girl shows up and starts dating some stud that is black. I'm not sure that moral issues can be tied to interracial dating but they certainly can with pastors dating students. Some things just aren't right. Amen! Ha ha ha! | | |
| Someone from BAYLOR is in Jefferson City!! They are, in fact, at CARSON NEWMAN!!!! The whole ordeal has me believing that there is an outside world and that I do want to connect with it. But first let me back up. I was sitting in my office working at my desk (last night I accidentally took too much flu medicine and was lost to a coma for half the day!!?!!), catching up on work and one of my residents comes down the hall yelling for me. So I jump up and answer the door and she says, "Toph is here!! There is a guy from Baylor who is looking for you. I was knocking on your door but you must not have heard me. He left a note for you." And in one moment, I remembered. I REMEMBERED!!! I remembered by old life with friends and good times and memories. It was an AWAKENING (think Robin Williams' movie and all those people who wake back up)! It has been almost four full months since I have moved here. The transition has been quite a transition. Last weekend I finally received some clarity on one of the prayers that I've been praying- what is the purpose of me being here???? The answer- to rest. You never do so...I am changing the gears for you. With that understanding, I feel so much happier because I can articulate a reason for current gratitude. And, it is still true that a grateful heart prepares the way of the Lord. There is another great thing about this guy Toph being here. I think that he knew Rebekah, just a little tiny piece of her but he did know her. A few nights ago I was driving home from a movie for one :) and something Rebekah had challenged me about came to mind. For a brief moment I went to reach for the phone. I wish so badly I could finish that conversation with her. I wish that we could talk. I wished that there was someone here that knew her. And it seems that my wish has come true. It is nice to have someone around with a shared knowledge. Even if we don't talk about Rebekah, it will be nice to see someone that knew her. Let it be known- the world is in my veins. What a nasty thing to say as a Christian!! Ha ha ha- I think the world was in Jesus' veins too. He carried us around inside of himself and when he spoke of us, it was an overflow of his heart. Indeed, the world was in his veins. I am beginning to look and pray for a job that will allow me to be involved in a global response to suffering. This might be with Christians and might not. Frankly, it has been a hairy thing to want to be involved with most of the bodies of believers I have found here. I just don't connect and it isn't all because I am judgemental. I MISS YOU ALL SO MUCH. I do. I love and miss you. | | |
| All of my freshmen girls are finally here! Saturday the came rushing in and swarmed the building with mops, computers, bedspreads, dry erase boards, printers, suitcases, shoe organizers, mirrors, curtains, extension chords, air fresheners, pillows, throws, books, magazine racks, radios, TVs, coffee makers, microwaves, refrigerators, lofts, bathroom totes, book bags, posters and a few other things. Some of the moms were crying even as their daughters checked in and picked up their keys. I had a chance to talk to a good number of parents in the makeshift parent lounge that was set up in the front of my apartment. So many of them shared their daughter's expressions of fear and feigned bravery with glassy eyes and flushed faces.
Saturday night we gathered in the downstairs lounge for the first all-hall meeting. They were so sweet and starry-eyed and full of hope. A loud buzz sounded through the room and I stood at the front waiting to introduce myself and begin the meeting. I couldn't bring myself to interrupt what God was doing in my heart with them. He loves them all so much and their is a great hope for what they are going to be collectively. Finally the conversations dropped off and the giggles died out. As I started to talk, it seemed as though I was becoming someone else- me. It felt as though I was becoming the next me. I don't know how to explain that more fully. There was a deepening compassion and concern for the Millennials and I was able to connect with them through laughter and seriousness in a way that was so natural.
I'm in the right place. I'm bushed and I'm feeling more myself. It is lonely. | | |
| There is something about unpacking the last suitcase- a measure of commitment that rings out in declaration, "I am here! I AM- here! here, I AM." HUGE decisions are generally easy for me to make. They are sort of all or nothing. It's the little things that hang me up. Every time I pick a toothpaste I agonize over whitening, sensitive teeth concoctions, tartar control, plague control, lasting fresh breath and on and on. After the fact I enjoy the toothpaste and move on. It is after the BIG ONES that I start to squirm. How can I be so certain and still squirm so much?
Today I found out via voicemail (thank you larry) that my former boss has resigned and moved on to a full time pastorate. And now the position that I longed for is finally open. This is the position that we weaseled around and tried to figure every way to get me in. Hours of talking and thinking and hoping and praying and then no change. No opening. No chance. And it was so glaringly clear that I was to come to Tennessee. And now...I am here. I AM- here! Please, please, please. here I AM. please.
There isn't any doubt. I'm not second guessing my final decision. I'm in the right place but I am feeling the sting of the sacrifice. It feels like a reverse slap. Instead of something smacking down in my hands with a mighty blow the reverse is there. What I wanted has been snatched up so quickly and finally from my hands that I can feel where the skin came up.
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